A Knight's Walk in the Kingdom

theophilus January 30th, 2009

January is National Birth Defects Prevention Month.

I rarely write about my own birth defects but I’m thinking I better write something about them before this month is out, especially considering that my birth defects and my faith seem to be totally intertwined with each other.

I was born with a cleft lip and cranio-facial birth defects, i.e. the different sides of my skull didn’t exactly form in perfect proportion to each other.  As a result, one side of my face is good to go, the other side has needed a great deal of work.

I have had more surgeries than I can remember; each one exhibiting the marvels of reconstructive medical science.  My conditions are so rare that I was always a must see for interns and residents on their rounds; and I even had photos taken of me for medical textbooks.  To this day, I have a standing appointment for major work with a dentist every decade or so.

My childhood was spent in doctor offices, dentist chairs, hospital beds, operating rooms, and with speech and hearing pathologists.

My sinuses are always a problem.  I need subtitles when I’m watching a movie on TV; and I finally broke down and started bringing a missal to Mass so I could fully “hear” the readings.  My eyesight is such that I can’t bring my eyes together in one single point of sight and my eyes have drastically different levels of vision.  I have little depth perception, so I’m always knocking into things, dropping perfectly thrown passes from my nephew, and losing my golf drives when they fly more than 150 yards off the tee.  I have a speech defect, but am in a field requiring superior communication skills.  I often need people to repeat themselves and they likewise often need me to repeat myself.

I was picked on, ridiculed and bullied as a kid; and rejected by more girls than I care to remember as a teen and college student.  Things got a little better in young adulthood.  To this day, I have people that look at me with THAT look, the one folks reserve for others that look differently than what they have come to expect.

Yet, somewhere along the line, God made me realize that I am the way he chose to make me.  I am made perfect in his image.

I have learned so much about life and about God because of my birth defects.  I have learned so much about others, both good and bad.  I have learned how God expects us to live and treat each other.  I have learned how to be truly grateful.

I am thankful to the doctors and dentists who put my face back together.  I am thankful for the nurses who comforted me when I was a scared little boy in a lonely hospital room in the middle of the night.

I am thankful for my parents, my family, my friends and the girls I’ve dated along the way who all saw through my deformities to the real me.

I am so in love with my wife that it surpasses my understanding.  She fell for and has stayed in love with an incredibly imperfect man, yet she fights for me, she fights for us.  She truly loves me, heart, soul &, yes, body.  She is such a beautiful woman, both inside and out, yet my birth defects have never been an obstacle to her loving me so.

I am so blessed that my parents see me as their son, not a deformed child; my wife sees me as her love, not a deformed man; and my children see me simply as their Daddy, not someone that looks different than others they know.

Actually, it’s been through my children that God has chosen to show me just how much he has blessed me.

My little girl looks like her mother; my son is the mirror image of me.  I have a special affection for my daughter because she is the first blood I have ever known (I am adopted).  But even more profound, I tend to wonder how much of my birth mother is in her.  She looks like my wife; but how much does she also look like my mother?

And then there is my son.  He is perfect in every way.  In him, I see what I could have been, physically.  I look at him and see what I would have looked like without the birth defects.

But, I would haven’t it any other way.  Let me repeat, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

For, I am the way God chose to make me.  I am made perfect in his image.

Every time I look in the mirror, I am humbled.  Every time I look upon someone who looks a little differently than others, I empathize.  Every time I see someone going through a hard time or in distress, I am spiritually connected to them.

And every time that I am going through hard times or get discouraged or don’t know where to turn, God reminds me that he is still there for me, that he is guiding me, that he has always guided me throughout all times of my life, both dark and bright.

He reminds me that he has tested me and found me worthy.

Today’s first reading is from Hebrews 10 and the writer hits the nail on the head, “You need endurance to do the will of God and receive what he has promised.”

My birth defects and being an orphan taught me endurance, both spiritually and physically.  God has a purpose behind everything he does.  He has a purpose for making me the way I am.  There are times when I don’t know why.  There are times when I fall into self-pity.  There are times when people treat me differently because of the way I look.  There are times when I look in the mirror and want to cry.

But, in these times, God ALWAYS brings me back to Him.  He reminds me of his will and his promise to me.

And when I doubt his special plan for me, he sends my wife to kiss me, my kids to jump on my back, and my parents to call me just to see how I am doing and to tell me that they love me.

And he also reminds me that I am a success professionally.  I am an inspiration to others.  I rise above my limitations and do what he expects of me.  I am bearing the fruit he wants from me.  And I must place my total trust in him.

It’s God’s way of telling me that I am the way God chose to make me.  I am made perfect in his image.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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